alhamdulillah April 22, 2008

I’ve lots to tell. the weekends i had, I spent happily with wondrous people. New & old friends, as someone sinically told me; “People can’t stick with you all the time Jis. Find new friends” Well, I have people whom I have befriended more than 10 years. Xyah nak sombong2 ok. Tau la you’re bored with me and the new girl is far interesting than I am.

But with these news I received on just 5 days apart, there’s no words escaped my mouth other than “Alhamdulillah, Syukur Ya Allah”

Yes, I do believe there’s always a reason when sadness storm into our life. I still remembered when I flunked my return class for Data Structure, how I somehow failed my groupmate as well because of my pc was really infected with viruses and chose not to be working well when I was just about to send those files to my lecturer. Ironic, isn’t it. But it’s true. After the incident, I met 4 great people who were close to me back then. One of them was the person who gave the statement above.

In every cloud, there’s a silver lining. Yup, I believe in that.

Today, I missed him the most.

The most that it wretched & squeezed my heart so tight, sometimes I feel I can’t breathe. I’m proud of myself because for the past 2 weeks, I manage to ignore him completely. But I broke all those rules today, I just can’t help it. I felt down & sorrow.

But thanx to my auntie who lend me the book; “You Can Be The Happiest Woman In The World” or in Malay, the book will be called “Jangan Bersedih Lagi”. Some of those words, that reminds me that I still have lots of love filling around me, it elevate the sorrow & empty feelings.

And then, came the sms that informed me that I’m selected for an interview session for the GREEN’s programme. That moment, I was blessed. Blessed & so thankfull to God, I had my sujud syukur there & then without really knowing whether it’s the right way or not.

I am, in the midst of preparing myself for my PTD assesment this weekend. I was, actually, shocked that I passes the PTD test.

Itulah, kuasa Tuhan. Tak ada siapa bole halang. And seriously, I am too thankful to The One for giving me good things after the bad things that happened. I won’t actually called it ‘bad’. Let’s called it ‘unintended’. That sounds better.

Again, it’s the love & support from you peeps that can me a stronger woman. I’m already standing on my own. Just sometimes, I wobble. The supports that you guys gave will hold me a bit longer than usual, Insya Allah.

Terima Kasih, Ya Allah.

p/s: I wish I could share these happiness with him. I wish.

antara penang & kuala lumpur April 10, 2008

Seorang di utara, seorang di tgh2 semenanjung Malaysia; Kuala Lumpur lah tu, tapi masih sempat shopping sama-sama.

 

“Ko size berapa ni?”

“Kalau bole aku nak kaler putih jugak. Merah pun xpe”

“Aku x jumpa la kaler putih. Warna merah tomato ada la”

“Betul la weyh, aku dah naik pitam nk pilih yg mana satu”

“Ko pusing-pusing la dulu. Mana tau ada yang lain” – Ko tau x kedai ni besar? Huhu

“Aku jumpa kaler putih yg ko nak. Suka la tu”

“Acc no plis”

 

Betul la kata Shila, For*ever 21 mmg cayalah. Ada satu trench coat tu, yg betul2 mcm yg saya suka. Kotak2, kaler merah itam. Just nice. Harga? RM 90 je. Tapi sayang, saya ni “comel” sgt, x dapat nak sumbat dgn size M. Mungkin Tuhan nak suruh beringat2, jangan excited sgt beli itu ini. Atau Tuhan nak bgtau, “Jgn membazir. Kain dh beli, ambil gambar sudah. Cari tailor handalan untuk buatkan trench coat kamu”. Oh, mungkin betul.

 

Alih-alih, kedua-dua chic blogger ni rembat coat kaler putih. Tunjuk saya punya sajalah. Babe punya, kene mintak izin dia dulu nak tayang-tayang kat blog. Oh, I’m so in love with my white coat.

 

Soalan menarek lg sentap; “Bilanya kamu nak pegi oversea ni?” Ha ha.

  

 

Berapa? RM 119. Oooh. Memang heaven. Saya xtau la, saya ni gadis yg keberapa termakan entry Shila. Haha.

p/s: wordpress ni mmg elok edit kt IE ke? jenuh edit kt FF, x cantik jdnya. Explanation anyone?

family April 6, 2008

Come rain & shine, catastrophe or bliss, family stick together. Such a unique unit, how they bind and wrapped together.

 

And why am I talking about family?

 

Many of you might not know this, my family functions very weirdly. We’re the losers in saying “I Love You” or “I’m Sorry” (ok shai, maybe your family can share the same trophy). But still, we stick together. We can fight like today’s the end of the world and the next day, we simply catcall each other ‘bodoh’ and laughed about it. No matter how big the arguments & misunderstandings, we attach together.

 

For example, I was furious my dad didn’t take the courtesy to buy me an advance ticket to KL today and landed me a tix at 10.30 am. Imagine, I arrived last Friday at 10 pm and I need to wake early on Saturday for that S*PA test and God knows that will take all day. Which left me few quality times at home. Upon hearing my reply of, “Kak Yong xnak balik pagi2 la Ayah. Penat tau”, the dead silence tone on my handphone is clearly the sign of my father being pissed off at me.

 

The good thing is, I didn’t sulk or being sarcastic as I always be (see, I told that certain person, I’ve grown up) and my Father talked to me back first thing in the morning. And we can simply talk like normal father-daughter as if nothing happened (which of course I said my sorry, xmo jd anak derhaka). See, that’s a family.

 

And all these whie, I always thought and assume that person is my family. Yes, I was right. But I was never that person’s family. Although the whole of that person’s family including uncle, aunts and org kampung had known me, I’m STILL NOT A FAMILY. Although I had been angry, mad, broken hearted, devastated, lack of trust and sad; I forgive that person. Because family forgive each other. Family can’t be mad at each other for that long. Family laugh at mistakes that we assume was big at that moment but turned out to be ridiculously silly later. We laugh, accept, forgive & forget because we are family. So, what’s the point having a relationship with a person who doesn’t think you dearly as family? I guess this is goodbye then.

 

I know it will be hard, it won’t be an easy ride. But I have others. Although all the people I love tend to leave me, I still have those people who love me. Old & new friends, far or near, they are there for me. Not all the the times, definitely. They have their own life to mend & attend. But they will try their best to be here & support me. Aite, babes?

 

I would like to borrow Babe’s motto: I’m a strong, beautiful, independent woman. Hear me roar!!

They are times I will feel down & low, please, help me to pick up myself. They will be times when I think there’s no point in doing anything, please slap me to give me a wake up call. They are times when I just simply need you to be there for me, please, support me. I want to have a new life & beginning.

 

I.Want.A.Life. Period

pre & post-II permulaan baru April 3, 2008

Kadang-kadang, untuk pura-pura lari dari masalah, kita terpaksa pura-pura gembira atau pura-pura bersuka ria. Jadi, setelah kita berpura-pura, mungkin sedikit sebanyak perasaan gembira itu akan terbit. Dan lumrahlah dengan benda yang dipaksa, ia pasti tidak kekal tahan lamanya. Jadilah. Gembira sekejap walaupun pura-pura. Apa para wanita selalu buat untuk pura-pura gembira?

Membelah dompet; jawapan yang paling tepat.

Pre – permulaan baru

Dibeli hasil simpanan U*nit T*rust. Ayah bilang; “Duit Kak Yong. Kak Yong pandai-pandai pikir sendiri”. Ye lah Ayah. Bukan Kak Yong pakai hu ha walau ada. Kak Yong pakai untuk kerja. And if you’re wondering what wallpaper I have on my lappy, it’s definitely ARASHI

Ini untuk hiburan masa lapang. Shai, aku kena agree dengan kau, sub anime beli kedai sangat hodoh. Baik la tgk anime sub yg download. Lebih sempurna bahasanya. Dah malas & xde masa (juga xde internet laju macam air terjun), kena la pilih alternatif kedua; beli. Anime Haruhi lama dah nak download, tapi susah sebab kena license. Second DVD is Nodame Cantabille Special Lesson. *Chiaki punya rambut sangat x best. Tapi, ending best*

Post-II permulaan baru

Kenapa post-ii?? Sebab perkara yang betul-betul kira post tu, bendanya masih ada dekat babe. Babe! Aku mau gambar. Ngeee. Orang tuh nak periksa, ko sibuk-sibuk mintak gambar pulak. Aku kadang-kadang suka shopping sorang-sorang. Sebab, kadang-kadang, bukan sumorang suka ikot jalan ke hulu ke hilir x dapat apa. Aku pun x suka. Lain kalau masing-masing dah tau beli apa. Senang. Tapi, tu kadang-kadang. Aku suka je jugak ada yang nak meneman. Tapi, harap bersabar je lah ye.

Grey’s Anatomy Season 3. Ye, ye. Aku lamba. Biar lambat, janji tengok. DVD, courtesy of pakcik aku. Next to it, is Nodame Cantabille:Anime. Ini sudah melanggar pantang larang aku di mana, kalau baca manga, xleh tgk anime or live action & vice versa. But Nodame is too ‘gila’ to be neglected. Hehe.

Kenapa aku sangat teruja dengan dompet ni? Sebab dah laaaaaama sangat aku carik dompet mcm ni. Sebab? Sebab Makino ada satu. Tapi Makino punya cantik. Kaler purple, ada manik, embroidery, sequin. Tapi ni pon jadila.

Dan, haruslah biggest catch of the day is the accessories holder. Cincin itu pun sgt cute. Tapi, tau x, sebenarnya berapa harga accessories holder tu?

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*

Jikalau anda tidak dapat melihat dengan jelas, harga yang tertulis adalah RM45.00. Diulang, RM45.00. Mati-mati la selama ni aku dtg S&M ni aku nampak RM5.00. Sebab tu aku ambil dengan yakinnya. Aku dah cuak bila nampak RM45.00 kat registry, tapi ………. tiba-tiba, bole jadi RM22.50 pulak kt registry. Aik, mana satu ni. Aku pusing-pusing, tengok sekeliling, kemudian senyum lebar. 50% off, all items!! Jadi, mari kita revise hasil rembatan kali ini.

Holder – RM 45.00 reduce to: RM22.50
Cincin – RM 2.00 reduce to: RM1.00 (x 2)
Dompet – RM 5.00 reduce to: RM 2.50
Grand Total: RM 27.00

Lantas aku berasa, bijaknya aku ini. Hoho. Aku gembira, tapi x pasti kekal lama atau x gembira aku ni.

permulaan baru April 1, 2008

Apa rasanya berpindah blog? Perlu ke ada sesuatu rasa yang lain? Hebat sangatkah bila berpindah blog?

Tidak. Berpindah blog adalah satu perkara yang biasa.

Walaupun biasa, tapi aku rasa ia sesuatu yang luar biasa. Ada 2 sebab:

1. Sebab aku seorang yang setia. Datanglah Myspace ke Facebook, aku tetap dgn Friendster. Ini contoh sahaja. Pendek kata, aku setia.

2. Aku ingin lari dr beberapa org. Org yg have too much info about me & i regretted telling them that. Yup, I need to run from them. Kalo x nanti, harus aku kena ugut kurung dalam reban sbb x update. Tapi, tu kisah dulu. Abaikan.

So, di sinilah aku akhirnya. Rebranding my own self? Is there such things? I have no idea. But that’s what I’m trying to do.

4 months ago I came to KL to start a whole new life. I was hurt by my then BF. Partly were his fault and the other half landed on me. It was not a good thing. Waktu itu, aku percaya aku tabah. Aku bole hidup tanpa dia. Aku dh bersedia utk hidup tanpa dia.

I came to KL, search for jobs without him knowing and he only knew the fact when I had the first interview with my current job. He was not happy then. And I spilled to him my unhappiness. I WAS, arrogant. But deep down, all I want was not to be hurt with the same issues & excuses.

I said things. Stupid, arrogant things. Things which I regretted saying them. Tapi, dah terlajak cakap, memanglah payah untuk diundur.

Oh yes, he was hurt. I don’t know where he get those courage to still come & see me, talk to me even persuaded me to be with him. It took so much for a man like him, such big pride and ego; to admit and pleads to me. It’s like Man U scoring 4 nil in the match with Arsenal. That good. And being the spoiled ordinary girl, I easily fell to his words and charms. I didn’t admit it, but I gave him lots of chances.

And then I blew it. I blew everything. Aku secara x langsung buat dia mcm kuli. It was unintended, but that’s what I did. And things never goes the same. Then, the biggest bomb landed;

“I don’t have any feelings towards you”

I ….. was utterly clueless, speechless and have lost all sense & direction hearing those words. All these time, the only thing that I’m always certain in my life, is him. No matter what happened, I know, he will always love me. Which clearly made me this intolerable girl that learn she can do anything and the bf will love her back. I didn’t realize at first. It came quite late to my senses actually & regretted it so much.

Funny isn’t it, you realize so many things when the unexpected happens. I realize, I was never supportive of what he is doing. That I kind of loathe the things he likes. I don’t know why. And after some hard thinking, I knew the answer. I’m just plainly perfectionist like my mother, which actually I tried very hard not to be. I kinda hate her personality but still loves and adore her as my mum. I’m everything I hate about my mum.

And bloody perfectionist.

I’m no difference than Zaniel in Shai’s new novel, Plain Jane. I love to construct things. I’ll be honoured if I can change something ugly or not useful to another great invention. That is just me. Which explains why I always kinda fell for guys that have big ego & pride (same goes to friends).

Let’s look at the history: I was soooo in love with Conner McDermott from SVH which clearly a chauvinist, Domyouji of HYD, bit of Mr Darcy; you get the idea. Because I want to take the credits when they become a better them. Yes, I do. And he, he plainly love me the way I am. Never changes a single thing, never complain anything. Love me for me. I kind of drag him to do the things he loathe. And he did it, because he wants to make me happy. Such guy, he can do so much, but I just couldn’t see it. Why? Ok, he is a nice guy, with big ego & pride.

And kepunyaan diri yang tinggi, as he said so.

At this moment, I clearly felt like Makino in Hana Yori Dango Return: Episode 10. The time when Domyouji knocked his head and remembers everything except for Makino. How Makino tried to reminiscence the memories they had together. And how Domyouji will yell & shout because he is irritated by her. That’s me. Me = Makino. And yes, he’s my Domyouji. The way he loved, the way he expresses things. He’s clearly my Domyouji. And because I’m Makino Tsukushi(Strong Weed), I’ll never stop trying.

I am indeed a complete thick face-delusional-moron.

They said, forget him. But I can’t. Not at this moment, at this time. I can’t. I need to fight. I need to know at least I tried. 6 years is a long time. 6 yrs, a kid can go to a kindergarden. A tree can bear fruits. The house will look old & mousy. 6 years. I’ll be mad if I just let go my 6 years like that.

Over some misunderstanding and arrogance that we both have.

It’s the support from you that I need. So I know at least I’m not that delusional & moron at all. Support me will you?

p/s: ok shai, I tried to write wittily in Malay like you but I just plainly can’t. I accidentally switch back to English unpurposely. Teach me how to be like you.

p/s: Lesson need to learn: How to Support Your BF When You Doesn’t Agree with his Hobbies?? Anyone?